From Pajama Standoffs to Leadership Wins: Why Curiosity Beats Reactivity

This week, I was reminded (again) how quickly reactivity takes over—and how much shifts when we choose curiosity instead.

The Bedtime Pajama Standoff

My son Sam is five (very nearly six) and has recently entered a new phase: sprinting around the house naked at bedtime, refusing to put on his pajamas. If you’re a parent who thrives on routine (like me), you can imagine the frustration this causes.

It usually starts with a cheerful, “Sam, please get your pajamas on.” But it escalates fast.

After a full day of work, parenting, and schlepping, the bedtime routine is the final hurdle before I finally get a quiet moment. And now this adorable, pajama-less tornado is standing between me and that blissful exhale.

He often whines in a baby voice, “I want you to help me!” which—if I’m being honest—drives me up the wall. I cycle through my classics:

• “You’re a big boy now, you know how to do this.”
  

• “Quit stalling, I’m tired of this.”
  

• The dramatic finale: “SAM. PUT ON YOUR PAJAMAS. NOW.”

But one night, I had a sliver of patience left and tried something new:

“Sam, what is it you like about having mama help you put your pajamas on?”

Without missing a beat, he replied: “Because I get to spend more time with you.”

Gut punch.

He wasn’t trying to be difficult. He was trying to connect.

And that moment changed everything for me—both as a parent and as a leader.

From Pajamas to Leadership

In business leadership, the “pajama standoff” shows up differently, but the feeling is familiar.

• Your kitchen manager forgets to order produce, and the walk-in is empty.
  

• Your all-hands meeting derails into a heated debate about parking.
  

• A client emails the night before launch asking to “pivot the whole strategy.”
  

When things don’t go the way they’re “supposed to,” our instinct is to react—snapping, lecturing, tightening control.

But reactivity rarely solves the real problem. Curiosity does.

When we pause and ask:

• “What’s underneath this?”
  

• “What am I not seeing?”
  

• “How did we get here?”
  

...the next step often becomes clearer.

With Sam, it was about connection. With your team, it might be about unclear expectations, competing priorities, or a need for support.

Tiny Leadership Tip: Swap Reactivity for Curiosity

Next time you feel your blood pressure rising over someone’s behavior, try this:

Ask a “what” or “how” question instead of “why.”

• “What got in the way of finishing the draft today?”
  

• “How should we capture side issues so we don’t derail the meeting goal?”
  

• “What’s changed since we made the original plan?”
  

‘What’ and ‘how’ invite conversation. ‘Why’ often triggers defensiveness.

Now when Sam asks for help, I lean into it.
“I love spending time with you too.”
I celebrate the parts of the routine he handles solo, and I treasure the small moments where I’m invited in.

Whether it’s bedtime battles or business leadership, curiosity opens doors that reactivity slams shut.

Here’s to more curiosity—in pajamas, in leadership, and everywhere else we’re tempted to react.

—Kate